Learning To Dance

It’s said that “you can never go home again” but what I thinks meant by that is that you can’t go back in time. And while that’s certainly true, at the same time it can seem impossible to move out of your past and into the present, let alone into your future! Despite all of that, earlier this year I did make a move! I moved my family from south-central to a new place in south-west Missouri,back to my hometown!

Not only my hometown,but to the very neighborhood I grew up in…

Even though I consider myself to be a sentimental person who as such is well acquainted with the “slings and arrows”which so often accompany it I’ll admit to being caught off guard by my subsequent reactions. It took a while for me to sort out why on a certain level I seemed angry about how so many things I remembered had changed! Like I was caught in the throes of some childlike egocentric fit over not having been “consulted”.

I didn’t say that the feelings were “right” only that I was having them!

Another thing I wasn’t really prepared for was the onslaught of questions that living in such close proximity to my past would move to the front burner of my mind or the rough terrain I’d have to traverse to find the difficult answers they demanded! Questions like…

“What the heck happened to my education?”

or

Just exactly where and how did my life “Jump the shark” so to speak…

 I want to make it really clear that this isn’t just some sort of pity party I decided to throw for myself nor am I attempting to fix blame on God or anyone else. Some of the events of my life have been rather unfortunate and apart from my aforementioned personal search for answers my intent or purpose in writing about them here is to encourage others who’ve had or will have similar experiences.Understanding our own issues of the past can be the key to moving beyond them into a better future! I can hardly express how important it is for me to be able to look back on my life and instead of feeling despair regarding certain aspects of it, to feel hopeful. Hopeful not only because I survived it but because I somehow found the courage to go on and the faith to believe there was something better waiting for me somewhere. lastly,to express my thankfulness to my Father in heaven who did then,and does now hold me in the palm of His loving hand!

I’d like to start with this video clip which was probably taken in the summer of 1971 when I was 10yrs old. As I watched it I remember being taken aback at how happy I appear to be! This video was taken by my father during one of the most difficult periods of my life,within a few months after my parents’ divorce.

The surrealistic background music provides a fitting contrast to the seemingly carefree display caught on the clip. It truly is a reality vacuum! Not only had my family recently changed in a not so good way, I’d also been the victim of significant sexual abuse on several occasions by people close to me. I’d recently become involved with a local church and had accepted Christ as my Savior, been baptized,and then when I stopped coming…forgotten.

I watched helplessly as my father who I worshiped became increasingly distant and more invested in his new life and family and less in me. I found out what it was to be hungry and to not have sufficient clothing that fit properly. And so at my lowest point,to then have my mother on whom I had become quite emotionally dependent begin spending a great deal of time away from me further compounded my feelings of insignificance. I was still just a bit too young to roam the streets after dark like my older brother…so I spent a lot of time at home alone.

When I watch this video…

I wonder what in the world I had to dance about!

And then it hit me…

I was playing the best cards I had in front of the one person I loved the most in the whole world! And despite everything wrong that had happened in my life up to that point in that moment,I chose to dance!

To block out everything else and focus on the only thing I felt had the potential to save me…

His love!

In my mind I was just doing what I’d always done…performing!

But what I was really doing was sort of the ultimate act of defiance.

I was in effect saying to the circumstances of my life,

You have not defeated me, you’ve thrown just about everything you could at me.

And guess what? I’m still dancing!

Isaiah 54:17

 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

It still inspires me…But what happened after that? You’d think that someone with that sort of “sand” would probably go far in life. I think what happened to me, and what happens to a lot of other people too is that we eventually become convinced that there’s nothing in this life worth dancing (or smiling) for!

When the subject of my education comes up what happened is no surprise considering I’d been a dedicated addict for almost six years at the age of 17. What I struggle to understand is why my school counselors and administrative staff chose to ignore what was happening. I attended a vocational course in the mornings which I was bused to and from daily and then spent the afternoons in various classes. As that last semester of my junior year came to a close I believe I was simply overwhelmed by the assignments which were due. Not knowing quite how to handle that I chose to simply skip the last eight days of afternoon classes…and so I flunked the eleventh grade!

I understand that I wasn’t the only “problem child” they were dealing with but I wonder could they of made a phone call to my parents? Aren’t there policies in place concerning this type of infraction? One last thing,anyone that reads this who attended my high school or any high school in the seventies for that matter knows what it was like as far as drug use on campus is concerned,and so, after they failed as an institution to provide a safe and secure environment for students to learn in and I become a victim of that I’m appalled that they could then decide that the thing to do is throw me out!

This took place during a time when my mother was going through another divorce from her second husband and we ended up moving from an upper class home in an exclusive neighborhood into a small two bedroom apartment. I did enroll the next year at a different school and lasted maybe a month before my principal at vocational school suggested that what would be best for me would be to quit school and get a GED. I did get a GED, and that was basically the end of my formal education although in truth I believe I learned precious little from formal schooling past the age of about 12.

One of the most common, if not the most common things you’ll hear Christian ministers say is “God has a plan for your life” and of course I believe that! I also believe that our enemy has a plan for us too…I’m convinced that on the day I made that walk down the isle and knelt down at an altar to accept Christ as my Lord and Savor there was a celebration in heaven! I also believe there was an emergency board meeting in hell! That meeting’s purpose was to put the kibosh on the plans my heavenly Father had for me and subvert the role I was designed to play in ushering in His kingdom.My sense is that there must of been no small amount of surprise and disappointment expressed by the attendee’s that their earlier efforts on my behalf had had so little present effect on me.

Knowing that my souls redemption was a done deal at this point, their only remaining option was to try and stop me from doing what I had the God given potential to do and be in Gods Kingdom by whatever means available to them! I mentioned at the beginning the feelings I’d been having and what I thought they were related to. However at this point I’d have to say that they’re actually directed at the forces of darkness which have for many years stolen so much from me in this life. Who’ve worked diligently behind the scenes orchestrating circumstances and events in my life to do towards me what’s prescribed in the mission statement below…

John 10:10

 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Obviously there’s a disconnect between those two premises…

Genesis 50:20

 But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

These are all life verses to me…

They give me hope,encouragement and peace in the midst of my storms!

Romans 8:28

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

King David danced before the Lord. Out of joy that the Ark of The Covenant had at last been returned to Jerusalem. David had to go through quite a painful learning process as he endeavored to lay down his will and surrender completely to God. In my life I’ve been challenged by similar lessons,it seems as though I too was following the example of the Philistines! Learning to trust that God truly does know what He’s doing allows me to be able to sit, (or dance) so that He can stand for me! The answers to our problems are still the same for us today as they were for David then! All of us have a God sized hole which can only be filled by drawing closer to Him! By staying focused on The Father, through our Lord who is Love,which is the answer,instead of on our world and it’s problems! If we can do that, we can also experience the continual joy of being in the Lords presence!

To me,that’s what “learning to dance” means…

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I can’t believe it!

My father was married six or seven times, I’m not sure exactly I lost interest after number four or five. Obviously my father wasn’t good at maintaining relationships but one thing that he learned well was how to end them. I recall having a conversation with him on the subject, he shared with me his too often tested criteria for deciding when to end a relationship. He told me, “Once you get to the point that you say to yourself, That “expletive“,  I can’t believe she did that, it’s over!” My father went on to say that he couldn’t understand being friends with an “ex” either, his feeling was that if you could tolerate them at all then you probably should’ve  just stayed together. My father had some serious boundary issues with women,  by giving them everything they wanted he would eventually create this “monster” who then began to value only what he could provide for them. It was his way of being, to each woman he was with, the best thing that had ever happened to them. When you’ve been married several times you feel the need to distinguish yourself with your partner in some way, as if to say “Remember me, I took you on that vacation to Florida, or I bought you that furniture you always wanted that your ex didn’t”. Yes, it was all sweetness and light until one day, or more likely after many days, he came to an always painful realization that he had been used again,  the first clue to this is when people quit asking you for stuff and just start helping themselves to whatever you’ve got without so much as a thank you.

In my life I too have had relationships of all types that I’ve suffered under or that have “used” me. And while I certainly am not condoning how my father handled his relationships or his not taking responsibility for fostering his own problems, I have been able to use his technique to rid myself of things in my life that required nothing short of change on a wholesale level. When we come to see how sin has “quit asking our permission” and has taken control of our lives, or how it’s not only affecting us but also the people around us we all may need to have an “I can’t believe it” moment.  If I did believe it, I would be extremely upset with whoever or whatever is responsible for the stuff that’s going on including myself. Dealing with my own complicity should be my first move, accepting my responsibility and understanding that when I find myself in a hole, in order to get out the first thing I must do is stop digging…and then, I can focus on my extraction! Like it or not, we all have a relationship with sin in our lives. For most of us, it’s lost it’s pretense of being our “friend” or the courtesy of asking our permission that it once had and has shown itself to be the cruel taskmaster it really is.

Okay, it’s time to use the lessons my father taught me!

My heavenly Father is in control, and Satan can’t do anything that God doesn’t allow him to do so naturally I have to wonder why a loving Father would allow death,sickness,or tragedy to occur. This is my conclusion, how we react in our free will to these circumstances determines who is glorified through them. If we allow them to paralyze us with fear and steal our joy in life Satan has made a profit off of us, but if we decide that what God said in His word was absolutely true and that “I CAN believe it” and decide that we’ve simply had enough we can decide to rise up and turn on our enemy and command it to leave. I didn’t say ask it nicely and patiently wait for a response…I’m talking about serving it with the divorce papers baby! You are outta here! and your little band of demons too! When we finally decide that we’ve had it with Satan’s game plan to kill, steal, and destroy and get mad enough to MOVE we can start by saying,  “Satan, you are done messing with me, my friends, my family, and I’m making a stand right here! Oh, and I also want everything you’ve stolen from me back right NOW!”  guess what? We discover that through Christ we’re infinity more powerful than him and when we use that power God is glorified by it!

I think God is up in heaven looking down saying,

“Somebody please pick up that baseball bat and knock that devil into the next millennium!”

When any of us do that I think He smiles, and says “THAT’S MY CHILD!”

From as far back as I can remember, to this very minute, I have loved my father. I loved him with a love that couldn’t see his many short comings and failures. I just simply didn’t know how NOT to love him. There were also times as a young man when I dis-respected and abused our relationship, but it was during those times when I found out how much he loved me!

Our Heavenly Father has no short comings or failures, His love for us is unconditional, it would be contrary to His nature to not love each and every one of us no matter what we may do! He’s also seeking to have a relationship with us but unlike my father, He’s not going to just give us everything we want and then get mad when we don’t love Him back!

If by chance you’re someone reading this who feels as though they’ve never personally experienced unconditional love then this is for you. If you’re struggling today in your life with any health problems, physical or emotional, or experiencing financial hardship’s, please listen…perhaps you are wondering, “why am I here” or just know in your heart that your current situation cannot be all that life’s about? (you’re right, it’s not!) Then your day has come! In the very face of the spirits of doubt that may be surfacing in your mind right now as you read this, begin by thanking God for continuing to love you through all of your rebellion against Him and ask for His forgiveness.  In the midst of your affliction, cry out to Him as Abba Father in your time of need. We might be tempted to ask for His help but It’s going to be much easier to fix your problems if you will simply lay them at His feet. Ask Him for His strength and His courage to be continuously victorious in your life, and for His Holy Spirit to guide you in all things. We also need wisdom to see the snares that the enemy sets for us to step into everyday. It takes plenty of light to see them, and the experience of someone who knows what it’s like to walk in our shoes, and that’s who Jesus is! I sincerely ask that you to do what I’ve just suggested with an open heart and let His love be poured out on you! And then you too can say “I can’t believe it!” except that this time it’ll be because of the great blessing He has given you!

Ephesians 1:2-10

²Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. ³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. ⁴For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love ⁵he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— ⁶to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. ⁷In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ⁸that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. ⁹And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, ¹⁰to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.